Nebraska Nice! If You're White, Male And Not Gay!

Running for Governor of Nebraska used to be a thing that could propel you to bigger and better things,(James Exon, Bob Kerrey, Ben Nelson, Mike Johanns), now it's just a guy who sits in the Phallic Capitol in his Husker shirt and vetoes anything that comes across his or her desk that even resembles something from the 21st Century and most stuff that resembles the 20th Century for that matter. Tuesday is primary day. The day Republicans choose which neanderthal will govern this state for the next four years and do absolutely nothing lest they be voted out of office for straying from Tea Party Reservation. I introduce to you, the ones you never heard of all these years, Sgt. Dimwits Lonely Brains Club Band.

Peter Ricketts:

Ricketts you say? Yeah that Ricketts. Joe's bald son. Ricketts has run for office here before, even though he spends most of his time in Chicago, helping to fleece Chicago Cubs fans out of time and money watching that shitty team in that 100 year old dump. Charming dump, but yes, a dump. Ricketts ran against Ben Nelson trying to get a Senate seat back in 2006 and got hammered as bad as the Cubs do on a daily basis.

Ricketts likes to play up his baldness. Constantly rubbing his head and having his kids tell him how bald he is. Oh it's almost as cute as Ben Sasse's two daughters carrying on about how "disgusting" Obamacare is. Yeah yeah pray at breakfast for me, Sasse family. Ricketts is using Daddy's money to lure in the big hitters in Republican politics to come endorse him. The Cruzmonster was here. Nanook of the North was here. Eddie Munster was here to endorse Peter. You know, all of them care a great deal about a flat state with 1.8 million people and who leads us to the Nowhere Land.

Did I tell ya Peter Ricketts is Joe Ricketts son? Joe has a lot of money.

Jon Bruning:

No amount of nastiness can describe this douchenozzle of a human being. The Attorney General of this state is portraying himself as the biggest of the dicks in this race. Jam as many inmates into a jail cell as will fit. Sue Colorado for money to prosecute the potheads who get caught in Nebraska at roadblocks set up just across the border. People on welfare are raccoons scrounging for food. Bruning tried to get a gay marriage suit before the Nebraska Supreme Court (not as bad as you may think) before the primary so he could argue how bigoted the citizens of this state are. He failed.

Bruning was a raving liberal in his college days 20 years back. But in this circus of politics he did a 180 and became Genghis Khan. It worked. Nice going, Nebraska.

Bart McCoy:

This former state senator got term limited out of the Nebraska Legislature where he spent 8 years kissing current Governor Dave "Tyrion Lannister" Heinmenan's ass. Now he brags about it on his ads. Wow, Beau, you are your own man.

McCoy, who home schools his kiddies, promises to improve education around here. Which means either he's inviting all students over to his house for some good old fashioned Bible thumping, or he's gonna make every schoolkid too smart to vote Republican. I think I know which one he has in mind.

Beau also promises to create 10,000 jobs, which is actually below the projections set forth by economists. Beau also promises to cut taxes by a zillion billion trillion dollars. And he hates Obamacare as they all do. And he aint fond of Mexicans. As they all arent.

Beau McCoy is a class one asshole.

Mike Foley:

Mike Foley is a Catholic. A real Catholic. He opposes the death penalty and abortion. He opposes denying tax payer funded pre natal care to so called illegals cuz of that whole pro-life deal. Mike Foley has never run an attack ad. Mike Foley has no chance.

There's a couple of other guys.

Tom Carlson:

He's 72.

Bryan Slone:

He knew Reagan. Did he ever tell you he knew Reagan? Reagan knew him. Or so he says. In every goddamned ad, statement, and debate statement he's ever made.

That's all of them. The men who want to become Governor of Nebraska. One of them will because Nebraska Democrats include me and a bunch of raccoons scrounging for some sort of rational thinking.

Gawd help us.