Pope Hope!

What in the name of Jesus H Christ is going on with the super awesome Pope Francis Numero Uno? He says the Church focuses too much on "small minded rules" and is "obsessed" with abortion and gay marriage and all that shit that only fat New York Cardinals care about. Wow, Pope, you are THE MAN. I spent 12 years in Catholic school looking for guys like you and found some who were immediately sent away for "further religious education" which meant "yeah punk, you're never gonna see this hip dude again so turn off that Tommy album and get back to hating us".

Oh I don't mean to suggest the Pope is going to start gay marrying his priests or opening a Vatican Women's Clinic or something. No, he's still the Pope after all, a slave to all that bullshit they made up in the Middle Ages. But at least he seems pretty much sick of the homophobic, misogynistic fiends who make up the front office of the Vatican. This will not go over well with the bigots, the brainwashed and the American Midwest Catholics who think the 10 Commandments are whatever Ted Cruz (R-Canada) has spouted off about lately. Thou shalt not fund Obamacare. Number 1 I think.

How did this guy get to be Pope anyway? He rides the bus with the unwashed, he has a Renault, he washes the feet of evil Islams, and he's a fucking Jesuit! The job interview must have gone really well. Oh yeah, Commandment #2, thou shalt not do background checks.

The Pope said this in his interview “This church with which we should be thinking is the home of all, not a small chapel that can hold only a small group of selected people...." For the love of Christ, he sounds like, uhhhhh, Christ. You know, that hippie who hung with whores and the poors and the lepers and the gays and pissed off the Hierarchy so much they had the Roman Republicans capital punish his ass.

Watch it, Frank. The last time a Pope started talking all this commie crap was back in 1978 and he lasted all of a month before he had a "heart attack" courtesy of the Vatican Bank. Francis, please adhere to these "commandments:

1) Do not wear a Vatican hoodie

2) Do not go into a room alone with Rick Santorum

3) Do not go driving that Renault....ever...

4) Do not turn your back on Timothy Dolan...ever

5) Run from all albinos

6) Get a good food taster...perhaps that fat fuck Dolan (that could be a win/win)

Good luck, Pope Francis.