Mike, Do You Take Ike?

Fruity? Ah hahhhhhhh! Chewy? Ah hahhhhhhhhh. Tony Perkins, not the one with mother issues, but the Family Research Council one,you know the OTHER one with mother issues, has caught you, Mike and Ike. All that time I was chomping down the Mike and Ikes, I was being gayed with some sort of chemical or subliminal suggestion that Mike and Ike were more than just a bit fruity, but full blown, parade waving, drag wearing, mustachioed homos! How could I not have seen that? Thanks, Tony, now I know why I love the gays and hate you. Sorry, too late. Now pass the Tropical Fruit Mike and Ikes. I love feeling like I'm in Key West without actually having to put up with the Jimmy Buffett gays.


Hey Mitt, now that you've paid for your coronation as the next Bob Dole, I have the perfect running mate for you. Marco Rubio? No, too dishonest even for you. Chris Christie? That blue collar beast? No chance, Mitt. He thinks a dressage horse is Secretariat in a dress. That no name Senator from Ohio? Jesus, Mitt, why not just pick the corpse of Woody Hayes to pander to Ohioans? No no, I have the guy for you, Mitt. Even though there may be constitutional problems with my pick (but hey it didnt stop that Kenyan Muslim socialist, did it Mitt?), go for him, Mitt. That pick is....taaa daaa, Anders B. Breivik, the Norwegian Ted Nugent. Hey , Mitt, he's whiter than you, he's gunnier than you, he isn't some sort of NRA wimp like you who only hunts "varmints", this guy blows away liberal kids. And he can tell who they are just by sight! Think of it, Mitt. Breivik is a tea party icon. He hates Pete Seeger, he hates non Christians, he hates Christians who actually practice Christianity, and did I mention, he's whiter than you? Think about it.


I am so sick of Anne Romney I could just about stop watching reruns of Gilligan's Island and snickering at her Mom, Lovie Howell. Anne Romney really never ever did work a day in her life. Sorry, Moms. While she was "raising five boys" I seriously doubt if she ever missed a lunch with the girls, a riding lesson at the stables, a fund raiser for the local orchestra, or simply staying in her room with a migraine. She had maids, nannies and who knows what else cleaning the snot off Tagg's runny nose while she was "volunteering". Now Anne Romney has done other things that may be admired. Such as surviving breast cancer, and multiple schlerosis. Thanks to Mitt's fortune who could pay cash for the best treatments. Sorry, Anne, I'm glad you're well, but stop with the fucking victim bullshit. You were living the high life, while you're robotic husband was out making other people's lives, many with cancer and MS themselves, even more miserable. Stop.


Ted Nugent? Way back before Ted even sang his own songs (remember Derek St Holmes?), I was covering concerts for the local college rag. I had to endure a Ted Nugent concert once from backstage. Ted was a nut in 1976, running around with a loin cloth, playing loud pointless guitar jams, screeching at the roadies, and telling his manager what row some chick he wanted to bang was sitting (there were at least 10 backstage by the end of it all). Nugent was a bit off that night. He wasn't yet shooting flaming arrows or ranting about Democrats onstage. He was a complete heathen. A self absorbed narcissist without a sense of decency to others. It amazed me then and it even amazes me more now that anybody keeps this asshole's career alive. Go away you fucking psycho.





And last, I have been training to run a half marathon in Lincoln, Nebraska on 5/6. I am so tired I'm not sure what it will be like. It scares me to be honest. But I will trek onward. And sometime before midnight, I hope to waddle across the finish line on the 50 yard line at the football stadium. What have I signed up for?

Helter Skelter?

Oh this guy is something isn't he? Oh I know he portrays himself as an "entertainer" everytime he spews out some anti-(fill in the blank as long as it's not white male Republicans) that gets some all up in arms. But really! Hasn't this windbag run his course yet?

I saw that during this week's "shows" that Limbaugh had only 7 paid ads run during his daily three hour vomit-fest and 48 or so PSA's run, presumably for the utter pain of being down to your last million or so. Rush has been around for 25 or so years, repeating himself over and over, just plugging in different names for his daily rant. But his listeners, all 20 zillion or so, keep coming back for more. Day after day. Week after week. Year after year. My question is why? For fucks sake, I love to listen to Tony Kornheiser, or Stephanie Miller, or anybody else who isn't doing a Limbaugh imitation on their local 50 watt blowtorch. And even those people inevitably begin repeating themselves. Thus I tune out for a couple of weeks or so. Then I come back and it's all new again. Podcasting is wonderful, because when the host begins repeating themselves, yeah Stephanie Miller, I mean how many more fucking times do I have to hear that Sexy Liberal tour plug, I can fast forward to another great example of right wing hypocrisy. But when Rushbo repeats himself, which usually happens about 5 seconds after he blasphemes Chrissie Hynde's Ohio, the 20 gazillion dittoheads begin to froth at the mouth and prepare to get to knee slappin' at the racist, sexist and homophobic comedy that poses as "talk".

Hey, I used to listen to that clown way back when. I didn't agree with anything the Cape Girardeau High School dropout and pilondial cyst sufferer said, but he got me to think. Yeah, think. Think about how many times I could call some moron a moron everytime he repeated a Limbaugh-ism and portrayed it as his own crazy thought. Oh how I would howl at someone tell me how big Hillary's hips were (sound familiar?) or his always hilarious take on Bill Clinton's lecherous ways. Or wait wait, how about dittoheads and their always belly laughing take on the "Reeee-verend Jack--sonnnnnnnn" (sound familiar?).

Oh Rush, what it must be like to have those adoring 20 bazillion gillion fans every day (Ha). Oh, what it must be like to be that popular with normal everyday Americans. You must just lap it up.

Yeah, that's why Rush has been married four times, lives in a palatial mansion surrounded by walls, broadcasts his daily marching orders from a bunker underneath his mansion, converses with an invisible "friend" named Snerdly, bought his own private plane so he wouldn't have to fly with, you know, THEM, pops pain pills like candy and doesn't even get it that pain pills don't work on mental pain, travels to Carribean countries with off brand boner pills, and is admired by virtually nobody of any prominence. Rush, you don't really think those Republican boot lickers would ever let you into the club? They don't like you, they hate you. They're just afraid of your Manson like followers who tend to write nasty letters and emails with lots of f words whenever their fearless cult leader is slighted.

Rush, you know what? Of course you know what. You live in virtual hiding 24/7. You're 20 billion zillion gajillion listeners are stupid. And to you, dangerous. How much longer is $40 zillion a year going to make you happy? Apparently, from the way you hide, insult people less powerful than you, bully Republican spineless weasels, and hate hate hate as much as you must, you aren't very happy, because, Rush, deep down you know it, you're always going to be the fat kid from Cape Girardeau who wasn't very bright, was the ne'er do well of the Limbaugh family and was made fun of. Once you get over that, Rush, welcome to the human race. Hanging out by yourself and having scary dimwits worship you cannot be what you dreamed of?

On the other hand, maybe being about 2 IQ points over even your smartest listeners is enough for you. Sorry, Rush. Somewhere I think Daddy still doesn't approve.

Limpblob!

Well the fat fuck is just another cowardly whore after all.

Kerrey/2012

My dreams have come true. Former Senator Bob Kerrey, a guy so intelligent he left this backwards ass state as soon as he could and moved to New York's Greenwich Village, was James Lipton's boss, and married a former SNL writer is back in Nebraska, registered to vote, and ready to run for Senate again.

He may not be the most liberal guy on earth, but he's a helluva lot better than Earl Ben Nelson and certainly better than a prick like Jon Bruning, his probable Republican opponent. Bruning, the Attorney General of this state, is the dick who compared welfare recipients to scavenging raccoons in front of a bunch of cheering welfare recipients called "farmers". Bruning is also the guy who warned Jesus loving Nebraskans that if you allowed gay marriage, the next thing you know is somebody will be allowed "to marry his chair". So you see, Kerrey could be asleep and outmaneuver Bruning in an IQ test. Unfortunately, the vast majority of registered voters in Nebraska are also very concerned about chair marrying and scavenging raccoons so Bob Kerrey faces a stern test.

Kerrey got his leg blown off while being a Navy Seal back in 'Nam. Bruning spent his college years being a liberal bomb thrower in Lincoln before he realized the way to riches is to become a conservative tool. Kerrey became a millionaire starting restaurant franchises. Bruning became a millionaire by knowing a lot of other millionaires and doing them favors while in the state legislature and by being Attorney General. Kerrey was a Governor and a two term Senator. Bruning was a two bit legislator and two bit chair hater elected to be Attorney General because he had the sign of the devil next to his name on the ballot (R).

So the choice is clear to me. A smart guy whom Nebraskans could be proud or a pandering, football carrying phony without a principled bone in his body.

And if you are so liberal or progressive that you think Kerrey/Bruning whats the difference? Just remember Bob Kerrey's most famous quote.

"Santorum? That's Latin for asshole.".......Case closed.

Oscar Time!

Ok ok,I couldn't do a Top 10 movie list until I saw The Artist. Finally saw it today. Best silent movie of the year, bar none.Onward to MY Top 10 of 2011....

10) Hanna- from the pounding Chemical Bros soundtrack, to the sight of a 16 year old girl being a kick ass killer, this movie was really unlike anything I'd seen, It came out last March, so it was #1 on my list for a while. It hangs on for 10th.

9) Meeks Cutoff/My Week With Marilyn-- I know its two movies but it really is a Michelle Williams lovefest. She is phenomenal in both. The end of Meek's Cutoff is mesmerizing. And confusing if you want it to be. Hint-they went with the Indian.

8) The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo--yeah I'm a snob so of course I liked the Swedish version better. I really wanted this to be better than it was. But David Fincher, who made Facebook interesting last year, scores again. This one is not for the squeamish, or Catholic.

7) Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy---Gary Oldman should probably have about 6 Oscars by now, but this flick about British spies is very cerebral. Slow, methodical and yet fascinating. Kind of like real spies.

6)Midnight in Paris-- Woody Allen is back. This tale of 1920's Paris even survives Owen Wilson's Woody impersonation. Hey, it's original, funny and beautiful to watch.

5)The Tree of Life-- Terence Malik makes like a movie every 10 years. This one was worth the wait. The story of life in a small town in the 1960's it captured youth in the 60's unlike anything I've ever seen. I dont mean youth as in protesting Vietnam or smoking dope or hearing All Along The Watchtower for the umpteenth time in a 60's movie, but being a kid. Pretending to be a ball player, playing war, riding bikes and having a family that loves you in its own way. And it has Jessica Chastain, a real discovery and Brad Pitt, who can act, and I';ve been saying that for 20 years to ridicule.

4)War Horse-- I really wanted this one to kill my emotions. I wanted it to make me weep. It didn't. Though Stephen Spielberg can film scenes so spectacular they make you go WOW, and the scene of the War Horse running through No Mans Land is breathtaking, the movie itself, though very good, wasn;t as good as I wanted it to be.

3)The Descendants--Nobody and I mean nobody, captures real life like Alexander Payne. Nobody. This guy is the only director on earth who can film a story of a dying wife and a fucked up family in Hawaii , and ignore Hawaii. Brilliant.

2) The Artist-- yeah I loved it. I wanted to shrug and say ehhhh....But I loved it. Clever, original, and funny. I guarantee you'll like this one. Give it a chance like I did. Finally.

My favorite movie of 2011 was.......

1) Hugo-- the story of a kid in a Paris train station keeping a clock going, being chased by a Doberman and Sasha Baron Cohen, and helping an old movie director find his mojo again, hey, this sounds like the Artist. Yeah they are similar. But Martin Scorcese makes movies like nobody else. And the 3D actually enhances it for once. I'm handing the prize to Hugo.

Hey I also liked Moneyball, Harry Potter, Win Win, Bridesmaids, The Help, Super 8, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, The Debt, Contagion, Take Shelter, Ides of March, Terri, Source Code, Cedar Rapids and the Adjustment Bureau.

By the way, I absolutely hated two movies this year unlike any other year. Hangover 2 was the biggest piece of shite I've seen in years. Hey, next time at least come up with a new idea. This movie was a goddamned disgrace and we all fell for it.

And Drive. Drive is an overpraised waste of time. Featuring the deadpan performance of Ryan Gosling, which is what he does every time he's in a movie. I cant believe I actually thought this guy was a up and comer after Half Nelson. Oh, he is an up and comer despite my Bill Paxton like anger at him everytime I see his mug onscreen. At least he's not named "Ryan" in every movie he's in unlike Paxton, so inept he has to be called "Bill" in everything or he'd miss his mark.

Anyway, Go Hugo.

A Tale Of Two Iddies-iots!

Chris Christie and Bob McDonnell. Governors. Republicans. A blimp and a wimp. Chris Christie, the golden twinkie boy of the Republican party and Bob McDonnell, the snake handling christian nut who runs Virginia and apparently, until a couple of days ago thought raping women with a giant dildo was the christian thing to do. What is it with these two ?

When the teabaggers pulled off their 2010 beer hall putsch and got some of the dumbest human beings who have ever been allowed to breathe air into office, these kind of people have jumped up, so used to be handjobbed by cranky old people in tri corn hats and riding their scooters, and made some of the most oppressive attempts at power since Michael Corleone's son was baptized.

Fortunately, McDonnell, the Governor who gave you Confederate History Month and a return to discrimination against gay state workers, is so obsessed with becoming Vice President, no not of Rotary but of the USA...I will wait for you to stop puking...or laughing...he has decided that sticking a giant rod into a woman's hoo-hah in an obvious attempt to shame the harlot into carrying a baby to term where then McDonnell can complain about her having too many babies and how much they cost the state of Virginia might cost him a few women's votes. A few? For chrissakes, if any woman voted for this asshole after this debacle, well, sterilization should be mandatory. Sorry, Father Myndyurownbidness.

McDonnell, in his cave in, has now kicked the door open to the Wimp Room. Hey, Bob, General Lee is pulling his sword out to cut off your balls. If you really believe that a blastocyst is a "person", and that probing around a woman's naughty parts is a great way to make her think twice before she does what she wants with her own body, why did you wimp out on this? Vice President? Please. You're just a typical bible thumping snake oil salesman who would cut your mother's throat for another vote. Stonewall Jackson says shove Confederate History Month up your pooper, boy!

Chris Christie. The Tony Soprano references are just too obvious. The next time you wonder why New Jersey is a national joke, it's guys like Christie that make it that way. From vetoing a gay marriage bill because he wants the people to vote on it? Geezus, Governor Wallace-Christie , would you do the same with a civil rights act? Are you going to stand in the doorway of the Den to keep the "finnochios" from marrying each other? If you did, it'd take a goddamned crane to get you out of there instead of just a few feds. What a prick. And a coward. Nice going tough guy!

Christie vs. Warren Buffett? Are you kidding me? Just write a check and shut the fuck up? That's your solution to billionaires offering to pay more in taxes? Shut up? Hey listen, if Buffett wasn't such a nice guy, a responsible guy, he would write a blank check to whomever your next opponent is so you'd get your ass kicked. Or oh oh, worse. If Buffett was a prick like you, Chris, he'd ban your blubbery body from one of the companies he owns. Dairy Queen. No more Blizzards for Chris Christie.

Buchanan Uber Alles!

America's favorite fascist crank, Patrick J Buchanan, is out at MSNBC. He is? When was he ever on MSNBC? In fact, when has Pat ever been anywhere lately? Damn, Pat's out? Just when I was looking forward to his views on contraception. I'm sure his views would have fallen somewhere between Father Coughlin and Josef Mengele. Free contraception for anyone darker than Mika Brzezinski!

Pat is gonzo? I doubt it. He'll pop up whining about poor oppressed white guys on Hannity soon enough while Sean nods his head and fantasizes about what he'd look like in a Waffen SS uniform.

Pat Buchanan has been entertaining me for years. From his stint on Crossfire when he pissed my father off on a nightly basis to his giggling rants on John McLaughlin's borefest, Pat has been the one conservative racist, anti-semite, homophobe, Nazi loving whackjob I really think I could have a beer with without ripping their throat out within 60 seconds. Come on, Pat was a man way ahead of his time. He was hating gays, Jews, blacks, hispanics and defending Nazi war criminals long before Santorum and Mittens came along. Patrick J., we hardly knew ya.

Wait, we do know him? Pat's expressed his admiration for Spanish fascist Francisco Franco & Joe McCarthy. How ironic he's claiming he's being "blacklisted" while kneeling before the Joe McCarthy shrine with Ginny Thomas and Ann Coulter. Patrick J has called the Congress "Israeli occupied territory" and has called anti-semitic old school catholics 'defenders of the faith". Move to Lincoln,Nebraska, Pat ol boy. That diocese still has racks and iron maidens to deal with the post Vatican 2 jerks.

Pat has also never met a Nazi war criminal he didn't like. Remember his passionate defense of John Demanjuk. the retired "auto worker" from Cleveland and oh yeah, death camp guard at Sobibor. Pat just sees no reason to keep bringing up that Holocaust thing. After all, it was just Jews, and gays and gypsies and a few Catholic priests who got out of line. What's the biggie?

Pat has never met an immigrant he didnt hate, unless of course they were Irish or English, you know, normal people like him. Everybody else is a "Zulu". Remember way back when Pat was shilling for Nixon, he argued that intelligence was a white thing and educating the rest of humanity was a waste of taxpayer money? Wow, Pat. More irony. You gotta be kidding me. Look in the mirror for the face of ignorance.

Pat Buchanan is off MSNBC. Wow, other than the fact I didn't know he was even on MSNBC, I can see why the poor oppressed white conservatives are all up in arms. MSNBC ALWAYS fires conservatives because they aren't given a voice there. Right, Keith Olbermann?