Sunday, May 27, 2012

Fetal Matter!

Oh Catholicism. I kid. Well not really. Having spent 12 years resisting the indoctrination of brainwashed women in chick tuxedos and men hiding from themselves, I can honestly say I still don't get it. In all the time after 6th grade, when I got up the courage to ask simple questions that were never answered or answered with such simplistic screeds I couldn't stand it, I've never understood this cult. All through catholic high school when the questions I asked were eventually met with outright hostility and punishments far from deserved (I think I still owe the Jesuits about 3 months worth of "jugs" or detentions in English), I became determined to never let those dictators in funny hats run my life. Hey, I have nothing against anyone who finds peace in this cult of nuttiness. Whatever keeps you from shooting everybody you come in contact with I applaud. I don't care if it's belief in a planet far away with a panel of judges, a belief that you keep coming back as somebody else till you get it right, or a belief that telling some dude all your "sins" somehow gets the invisible man in the sky who apparently is deaf to forgive you. Great! Go ahead and live in peace. Just don't bother me with your mental illness. Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

Now even though I resigned from membership in the cult years ago, something about their inbred hatred of women, gays, and rubbers had me troubled, they are starting to piss me off again. The infallible Nazi youth who runs the joint and his minions of SS stomping surrogates in the United States have once again inserted their staffs into something other than little boys and girls. Politics. During an election year? This cult of craziness has decided to file suit against the current administration and it's not even in effect health care mandate (ha that word makes me giggle when I talk about the cult). Yeah tax exempt status is a great thing. You can strongarm weakling politicians, ah lets just call it like it is, Democratic politicians, into kowtowing before you and doing whatever it is you want and you have to still not pay anything to that same government you hold hostage. Ah, America. Greatest nation on earth.

The cult and its Hitler youth strongman have also beat down some nuns, the Leadership Conference on Womens Religious. What did they do? Work at strip clubs part time? Hook on the side? Eat a burger on a Friday? Nah, they helped the poor and the downtrodden too much. The Catholic Bishops, you know, that organization of overfed collusionists and racketeers, decided, with approval from the Roman Bund, that these women did not worship the blastocyst, the fetus, the parasitical growth, enough. So when these women of God were feeding the hungry, comforting the sick, helping the homeless, and all that other pussy stuff, Don Ratzenberger and his consigliores got pissed they weren't doing something important like standing outside a Planned Parenthood with a sign featuring a blob of bloody material chanting at innocent people there to get a pap smear or a mammogram something about murdering their babies.

The Cult-o-lics. I kid. No not really again. You have joined a political party in this country . A party of Ayn Rand worshipers who don't care about anyone or anything other than themselves. You are Republican hacks. For the worship of a fetus? Hey, Tim Dolan, you know that fat guy who runs the New York family, how can you sleep at night? Other than the indigestion from your high fat meal, how can you not stay awake wondering about what the fuck you are up to? Real Catholics, and there are some. care about the less fortunate. They are the ones, like the nuns, who should be running things, not you and your misogynistic, homophobic, self hating men. If you insist on continuing this Republican dick sucking (by the way Tim, they don't give a shit about the fetus either, they are using you, you fat fuck) then pay some taxes like the rest of us loudmouths do. For the United States government to in effect pay you to commit fraud and coverups is a travesty.

Oh Jesus, please take some Pepto, the heavenly strength kind. I can hear you puking way down here. Here's to ya buddy! To most of them now, you are just some dirty hippie that got what he deserved. And they love you. And will kill anybody who says any different! Oops. I hear ol' JC heading back to the toilet. Hold his hair, Mary.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Say It's So, Joe!

Joe Ricketts. A nice old man from Omaha. Joe hates the black guy in the White House. His two trust fund sons, Tom and Pete and Todd , hate the black guy in the White House. Joe bought the Chicago Cubs (this guy is a financial genius?) and promised to turn that turd of a franchise into a World Series champion. All the while, 38,000 idiots show up every night and spend all their money supporting these losers, heyyyyyyyyy wait a minute, maybe Joe Ricketts isn't so dumb after all.

Joe Ricketts got rich, billionaire rich, by appealing to arrogant cheap-asses. Starting TD Ameritrade, a discount brokerage house, Joe got wealthy by letting people do their own trading and not charging an arm and a leg to do it. This appeals to the arrogant and the skinflints (an old word Joe would know). Joe got rich. He got so rich he just doesnt know what to do with himself. So he bought the Cubs.

Joe is so bored, it IS the Cubs after all, that he has decided he really really hates Barack Obama. Joe was handed a plan to attack Obama using racial codewords and attaching the Prez to Jeremiah Wright and was ready to fork over $10 million to fund the ads. Unfortunately and I do mean unfortunately, Joe had second thoughts and chickened out. After all, who wants to be known as a 70 year old racist prick? Not Joe. So he regrouped and started funding other Republican whack jobs like State Senator Deb Fischer of Nebraska, who ended up winning the Republican primary over a total asshole like Attorney General Jon Bruning, who ran so many ads in this state, everybody, and I mean everybody would see that fish eyed son of a bitch come on their TV and immediately mute it. Fisher, a "rancher and a mother", is a $12K a year state senator who strongarmed the weasel Governor of this state into funding road repairs in her district, a goddamned wasteland of tumbleweeds and empty roads. That's her claim to fame. Thanks, Joe.

But to digress, I wanted Joe and his clan to fund the ads. I wanted the ads to link Wright and Obama. I wanted the door opened because if Joe goes that way, we can go this way. And that's attack Romney and that fucking cult of a religion he pretends to belong to. I want to go there. Oh please. That Mormon bullshit is precious. Christ, it makes a talking snake and some dude living in a whale almost believable. Open the door, Joe! Please. The Planet Kolob demands it.

And one last thing Joe. You want the city of Chicago, the taxpayers of Chicago, the very government you despise, to fork over up to $200 million so you can renovate that charming dump called Wrigley Field. I love it, but shithole may be to weak a word for it. Hey Joe, if you have all that money to throw around because you hate the black guy in the White House, calm down and renovate that pile of last place steel yourself. But guys like you, Joe, dont do that. Paying for something yourself is for chumps. Like Zygi Wilf and George W Bush, you'd rather make the masses pay for their shitty sports team venues themselves. Joe didnt get rich by risking anything himself. No wonder he loves Romney now. Or is hatred of the black guy the driving force? We all know the answer to that. Last time I checked, the Cubs sucked for the 104th year in a row. Let's hope Joe will suck for the 71st year in a row come November.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Willard The Rat!

You know what? I'm just going to say it. Fuck Mitt Romney. This Mormon motherfucker has a constant record of being a total condescending prick. In fact, he's the classic example of a sociopath. Caring about the bottom line, his bottom line and to hell with the rest of us. Yeah, fuck Mitt Romney, and the dressage horse he rode in on.

Mitt Romney is a stiff. If he's not tying a dog to the roof of his car, he's ruining hard working people's lives, or he's holding down a non conformist at his prestigious prep school, a "homosexual" as he refers to him, and cuts his longer than average blonde locks. Then years later he calls friendly media and chuckles about the "hi jinks" he was involved in. Yeah, assault and battery, a hate crime if you will, is simply hilarity to this prick. And oh yeah, before I forget, fuck you too Anne Romney for marrying this human dildo. Wild and crazy my ass. $990 for a form fitting hideous t shirt is not wild and crazy. It's just crazy.

At Bain Capital, this soulless trust fund baby would hover over struggling companies before swooping in to rape them of all assets, fire people and run away with millions in profits. Just read the Villagevoice article entitled Mitt Romney, Parasite if you really want to know the real Mittens. Romney is an asshole, period.

Romney's track record of total lack of empathy is well documented. Just since he's been running for President this time we've heard how he spends $30 million alone in Iowa just to screw over Gingrich. How he calls for more foreclosures, not less. It's in his DNA to wreck people's lives. It's what gets him all excited. He wins and you lose. It's that simple. This insecure sack of monkey shit doesn't believe in losing anything and he will drop a nuke on an anthill like Gingrich or Santorum just to show them he can. Never wanting for anything, he has to keep dead George Romney happy and proud, despite the elder Romney's spinning in his grave over the fact he fathered this waste of sperm. Romney wants you to lose your house faster, wants you to lose your job faster, wants you to kowtow to his obviously superior genetic equation. And he wants you to love him. Love me, loser.

Romney, with all the money in the world, would now like you to reward his divine birth with all the power in the world also. And he wants you to do so with a big smile on your face, though he intends to fuck you over and reward his buddies and he doesn't care if you know it. He cannot understand if you dislike him. What with his superior breeding and obvious genius IQ, how could you not let him have what he wants? You obviously are jealous of his good looks and "success" in inheriting every cent he has if you don't like him. What's not to like? He's Willard Mitt Romney, goddamnit!

The best thing that could happen to America is to send this jackwagon home a loser. To spit on this fucker's political grave would be the best. For this privileged prick to lose to a commoner, a half breed, a man his great great grandpappy and grandmamas would have owned would be the ultimate slap in the face to this entitled elitist. Fuck Mitt Romney. And fuck anyone who votes for him.

Thank you, I feel much better.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Only Good Thing About North Carolina is The Word North!

North Carolina? What would the percentage be if THIS baby went before Cledus and Lurlene in that there polling booth?

North Carolina sucks.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Would You Like French Fries With That?

France has gone socialist! The French 1% have all driven their Ferrari's to the Swiss border so they can be where all their money is anyway. Oh my Gawd! All of Western Europe will fall now that the French 99% have elected, what I presume to be, some Kenyan Marxist socialist foreigner who has been Manchurian Candidated by George Soros since he was born on Elba in 1962 and his birth announcement was faked and he was raised by a single Mom in Indonesia and ate dog and now the evil commie plan has taken over. Voila!

I used to hate France. Back before hating France was cool. You know, back before the Republicans started hating France and changing the name of French Fries and Bill O'Reilly would quote the "Paris Business Review" on how because fat Americans wouldn't go there anymore the entire republic was teetering on the brink of doom. Yeah, then I started liking the French. Their arrogance became endearing to me. And hey, If Tea Party Joe and O'Reilly had no intention of ever going there, that made it that much better for me. If, I could ever afford to go there and hang with Mittens Romney, the only Republican who still likes vacationing in France. My friends.

So before the socialist , Francois Hollande, begins beheading the right wingers, let's all see what happens when a socialist takes over a government in Europe. Well, the 1% pays more in taxes. Check. Wall Street gets clogged arteries worrying about that. Check. Ok, that's about it. That's hardly Hitler walking down the Champs D' Elysee.

So the new President of France will be some guy named Hollande, which will make Sarah Palin's head explode as she has already been so confused how you can call Holland The Netherlands and now the whole country has taken over France with their shootin' and ringin' bells and tellin' the British they can't take their gun.

Anyway, congratulations to the cheese eating surrender monkeys of France. It gives me hope that the Eiffel Tower will not become the AT&T Tower or the Louvre will not be sold to the estate of Thomas Kincaid or that L'Oreal and Renault won't be be shut down by Bain Capital.

Let the French be French. As they say to the rest of the world anyway, "vas te faire foutre".

Sunday, May 6, 2012

The Running Man?

Running my first half marathon in Lincoln this morning. 13.1 miles. Am I nuts? Well, beside that point, here's the story.

The start of this thing is so chaotic, what with 10,000 nuts practicing insanity, it takes slow, fat old guys like me about a half hour to get to the goddamned starting line. I mean I thought about standing up front with the 5 foot 6 120 pound jockeys who usually win these things and sprinting like a crazed cheetah for about 15 seconds so I could claim at one point in my life I actually was in the Top 10 of a marathon. But I went back with the slow turtle like pacers who just hoped to finish and stood around waiting for the Mayor of Lincoln to blow off a cannon, hopefully in the direction of Attorney General and overall douchebag Jon Bruning's house.

Boom!........walking walking walking... 32 minutes of walking until finally reaching the starting point by which time I had half a mind to just take off and running to the finish line where I could at least finish in the Top 100 or so. But like the rule follower I am I turned left and took off on the 13.1 mile journey.

Past the phallic like State Capitol and down 16th street toward South Street. The streets lined with cheering kids and sedentary adults in lawn chairs. Gee, I wish I was partying with them. No seriously, I do. To South Street and I'm still moving along at a sundial timed pace, but moving. Turning left onto South for a 12 block run and some group of teens are giving out "free high 5's". Who can resist high fiving a 14 year old girl? Certainly not me. If Attorney General and overall douchenozzle Jon Bruning is reading this, it was only a high five. You see, Bruning likes to throw folks in jail for not only having contact with teenaged girls, even though you went to Kansas to marry them (he once threw a 19 year old guy in jail for marrying his 15 year old girlfriend in Kansas which is legal and then moving back to Nebraska where it's not legal), he also likes to throw people in jail for attempting to marry their chairs (he once compared gay marriage to some guy trying to marry his chair). In other words, this guy is a joke, and possibly the next United State Senator from Nebraska.

Up South Street to 27th and a right turn. Wearing my "hip" running gear, a black Beatles t shirt and ratty old gym shorts, I get numerous shout outs from old people and young kids about the Beatles. Go Beatles! Yeah Beatles! Paul is Dead! At about the 4 mile mark (yeah I'm still moving), a good Samaritan has dragged his hose to the edge of his lawn and is spraying people. Now he's either doing it as a favor to people who are in danger of overheating or he's John McCain making sure you stay off his lawn. I don't care so I stagger over towards his lawn and he lets me have it good. Wow! That'll wake you up.

Down to 48th and Calvert or about 6 miles and I haven't stopped "running" yet. Now it gets tough. You turn onto a bike path where you have to make room as only three or so people can run across the paved trail at once. It's like a Law & Order beginning where a line of people are walking at you. Being claustrophobic I have a hard time navigating this portion of the race as I don't like tight quarters and I'm not all that fond of people in general either. But hey, this is where I saw the guy in the nun's outfit laughing and high fiving us all. Ok you, my friend, I am fond of.

A GIANT hill awaits at mile 8. Ok, That's it. I stop moving at this point and walk. Hills? Sorry, but no thanks. It's at this point I give up my dream of winning this thing, even though about 500 or so have already finished. It's a dream! Reality is me walking up a fucking hill.

The hill ends and it's downhill now. Down down down. Woo hoo! This is easy! And then the most annoying sight I may have ever seen in my entire life. Some guy goes past me and he's WALKING. And I cannot catch him. How goddamned slow am I "running"? He's just ahead of me doing that stupid fast walking where you look like a fool and he's beating me! That is where my second dream ends. That this is "easy". No matter what, I can't get by this fast walking doofus. So I start walking again. Get the fuck away from me. You're killing my spirit.

The last 4 miles or so was a nightmare. Run,walk, run, walk, walk get the idea. I didn't start running until I came into view of the finish. Wouldn't want people to think I hadn't run the entire 13.1 miles now would I? Past Max and Max's mom and into Memorial Stadium where I finally crossed the finish line at the 50 yard line in a record time of 2 hours 40 minutes and change. It's a record because I never did it before and probably never will again. I do know of another "record" I probably set. The slowest movement ever on the football field from the 1 yard line to the 50. Some guy was yelling to get the piano off my back.

The half marathon I "trained" for, dreaded and worried about is over. Now I can go back to watching other people move and hollering how much they suck. I'm looking at you, Joe Mauer!